standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
