Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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