Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
