We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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