So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
