I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
