Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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