Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
