We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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