Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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