1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
