It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
