it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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