I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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