Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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