C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
