so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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