Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
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