someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
