i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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