so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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