guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
