I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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