i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
