I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
