You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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