I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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