On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
