i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Randomize
