I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
