Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
