Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
