who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
