Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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