we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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