you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
