My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
zippers are such a cool invention
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
