I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
