Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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