I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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