What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
