apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
