When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
