I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
