Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
