i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
