Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
