and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
