walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
