i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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