If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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