Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
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