Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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