You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
