i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
