somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
