So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
