I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
